Military Humor

For those of you that have ever eaten nothing but MREs for atleast a week straight should be able to relate to this.

GOTTA LOVE THE MILITARY
>>
>> MRE dinner date, the following is a
>> true story....told from the point of view of a young enlistee.
>>
>> I had a date the other night at my
>> place. On the phone the day before, the girl
>> asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
>>
>> After many minutes of scratching my
>> head over what to make, I finally settled on
>> something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.
>>
>> I got out my trusty case of MRE's.
>> Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that when
>> eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:
>>
>> I took three of the Ham Slices out of
>> their plastic packets, took out three of the
>> Pork Chops, three packets of
>> Chicken-a-la-king, and eight packets of
>> dehydrated butter noodles and some
>> dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham
>> Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
>>
>> In another pot, I blended the Chicken
>> a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make
>> a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like
>> succotash. I added some spices, and blended
>> everything together in a glass pan that I then
>> cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.
>>
>> When I took it out, it looked like,
>> well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of
>> yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in
>> the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added
>> some green sprinkly things from one of my
>> spice cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy
right?)
>>
>> For dessert, I took four MRE Pound
>> Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of
>> cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some
>> water. I heated it up and stirred it until it
>> looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous
>> xxxxxxx, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila--Ranger
Pudding.
>>
>> For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest
>> of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes,
>> they DO make a type of liquor named "Military
>> Special"--it sells for $4.35 per fifth at the
>> Class Six) and mixed in four packets of
>> "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I
>> swear, the packet says that). It looked like
>> an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that
>> was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt ).
>>
>> I lit two candles, put a vase of
>> wildflowers in the middle, and set the table
>> with my best set of Ralph Lauren
>> Academy-series China (that shit is
>> EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost
>> me over $600 on sale at the Lejeune PX ), and
>> put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
>>
>> She came over, and I had some
>> appetizers already made, of MRE
>> spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups.
>> She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
>>
>> We dug in, and she was loving the
>> food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me
>> how long it took me to make it, and kept
>> remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two
>> about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
>> at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but
>> after she tried it I guess she liked it
>> because she drank four glasses during dinner.
>>
>> At the end of the main course, when I
>> served the dessert, she squealed with delight
>> at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
>>
>> Okay... yeah... its Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup
>>
>> Later on, as we were watching a movie,
>> she excused herself to use my rest room. While
>> she was in there, I heard her say softly to
>> herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite
>> fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.
>>
>> Let the games begin.
>>
>> She sprayed about half a can of air
>> freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange
>> scent. Yup. The military even makes
>> smell-good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained
look.
>>
>> After 10 more minutes she excused
>> herself again, and retreated to the bathroom
>> for the second time, I could hear her say
>> "What the hell is WRONG with me???" as she
>> again send flatulent shockwaves into the
>> porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda
>> wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
>> employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
>>
>> Back to the couch. She smiles meekly
>> as she decides to sit on the chair instead of
>> next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled
>> up to her chest, kind of rocking back and
>> forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
>> ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed
>> the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
>>
>> I turned the movie up because I didn't
>> want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my
cheeks.
>>
>> She came out with a slightly gray
>> pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
>> sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I
>> am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep
>> running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an
>> Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
>>
>> Later on, she asked me again what I
>> had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed
>> it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen
>> and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.
>>
>> After explaining to her that she had
>> eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Military
>> Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked
>> at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000
>> calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"
>>
>> After I rogered, she grabbed her coat
>> and keys, and took off without a word.
>>
>> She called me yesterday. Seems she
>> couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she finally
>> did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could
>> smell it from down the hall. She also told me
>> she had been working out nonstop to combat the
>> high caloric intake, and that she never wanted
>> me to cook dinner for her again, unless she
>> was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.
>>
>> It was a fun date. She laughed about
>> it eventually and said that that was the first
>> time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a
>> date. She'd been so upset by it she was in
>> tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.
>>
>> I know ... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.
>>
>>
>> Have a nice day

nice.

Good ol' MRE's

*SEE EMERGENCY POOP THREAD FOR FURTHER INFO*

Fake..

And for the record, succatash is corn and lima beans.

Yeah it probably is fake. That's why it's a story.

Corn and lima beans.

I hate it when I eat a bunch of corn then it comes out in my poop. not cool.

Im not sure they have ham in mre's or something u can whip up and it not taste like total crap. But the fact that they clog you up and smell horrible whe the come out its true.


Now who te hell buys set of 8 place settings cost over 600 bucks? on sale for that matter. If I am payin $100 a plate it better come with an orgazm....

So next time dinner is at her house hope she putsome arsenic in his freakin meal.

Not to mention you can't just go and buy military MRE's, and who would waste them in such a fashion? Oh yea, and I have never gotten the shits from eating them, just to turn around and get constipated. I always just skipped straight to the constipated part.

Corn and lima beans!!

I get the horrible shits from them. You can buy MREs if you are in the military. They sell them on base.

I've seen commercial MREs, never seen military issue MREs for sale, which is generally illegal. Of course, the Air Force might be a more lax on their regulations.

They're probably commercial I guess. I'm not sure. But a guy can always save the ones that have been issued to him. And yes the Air Force is more relaxed, more everything really.

ITS A FUNNY STORY!!! for crying out loud!

I bought a MRE at Walmart once!

Your life is a funny story.

Ha!

that is mean Boosh

A funny story I cry myself to sleep with every night

Good, I hope it stays that way.

OOOHHHH YOU! Don't make me whip out my posting streak again.

Please don't. Besides I don't think tyrant would appreciate you flooding the forums with your crap again with our possible sponsorships.

No more Crap.... BUT YOU WERE THERE WITH ME! You're just as responsible.

Agreed.